I.Failed.me

“What happened to you?” He said.

WHAT? what do you mean?

Months later.. it echoes…

Simple question
Shaking me beyond belief!
Earthquake.
Slap on the face.

What happened?!
I don’t know. But I don’t like it.
I don’t want that.

Who am I?
Past or Present?
Which is real? Which is meant to last?

Dread.

Give no excuses to the “Now”.

Tainted.
Stained.
Wash it over.
Scrub scrub scrub.
Don’t let it eat me.
Terror.
Wash away the mud… the dirt…
Accumulated.
Wash
Soak
Decontaminate
Purify

Kill those vibes
Stranger to younger you
Helplessness is weak will, sloth, and delusion.

Dig out positivity
The old magic
The secret spring of sanguinity
That old place
The used-to-be-permanent state of mind
Seek it out
Let it empower you. Protect you. Contain you
Enlightenment
Dig it out from deep within your soul
It’s still there; we know it (you, me, myself and I)

What happened?!!

Dread
Inconceivable fear
Short breath
Little air
Dust

Wash it all away
Rise again
And reach for the cotton candy blue clouds you so love.

and so it is…

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Life is but a dream

Mist

I can’t remember…

Cliché but: I’m not sure I can tell what’s real from what’s not…

The dreams… they get confused for reality…
I thought I know the difference…
I DO know the difference…
I just can’t remember…
Did I dream about this or did it really happen?
Little details. Insignificant maybe. Minor. Nothing big.
Which is probably why I can’t remember.
I wake up in a haze… and the little insignificant minor details seem so real to me.
Maybe because they were.
But I can’t be sure. I don’t remember.
It doesn’t bother me much.
I figured… in time I’ll find out…
Or not.

Coming to analyze some of the these details… if they were real… then fine. If they were dreams… then I guess I AM paranoid.
I know… It doesn’t make sense out of context. It doesn’t make much sense without the proper explanation. But it makes perfect sense inside my head.
Or does it?

I need good sleep… and…

Time flies…
Moments stand still…

splack friksh noxit zimmmmz uuot

Gibberish

Moving In

Let Go

Coming Back

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Lately…
I’m pretty much stuck at Gibberish :/

Drama Babes

Lately…

Listening to Drama makes me go “BWAHAHAHAHA”
Then go “Boooooohooo”
Then go “Humff… okaaaaaay… I’m listening…”
Then go “I wonder if I can still save up to get that thing I wanted by next month…”
Then go “If ants talk… what would they say?”
And go “Ants are so cute and tiny and organized… if they weren’t so vindictive and evil… if they didn’t hate me that much… things might’ve been different between us!”
Then I sometimes go “It’s funny how I’m not scared of dogs anymore… as long as they don’t violently bark at me I’m really fine with them… ”
Then I finally get out of my head and speak up “Ahuh… Ahemm… yeah… I know what you mean”

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Yes, obviously, I’m an insensitive bitch and a terrible terrible person. Eh… whatcho gonna do ‘bout that?!

And… quoting what’s written on a keychain my cousin gave me a few years back: “it’s cute how you think I’m always listening”

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*kalba ana… this takes away all my rights to bitch about anything… tough…   pinch me really really hard if u catch me starting… and if I don’t stop… shoot me dead.
Have to give up my thrown in Drama Queendom…
I probably have to start behaving too…

Hail to Thee

Praise the power to Detach
And that of make-belief
Praise the typical blur
And Suppression. And Repression.
Do praise the power of Denial
The most masterful skill of the mind.
Praise talent and capacity
To abide by mentally tarnished Pride.
Hold back the raging Fury
Offer pleasantness, indifference.
Employ your hidden Wrath
Fuel willpower, self-discipline.
Do not smolder out morale
Rise above, praise sanguinity
Praise Vanity. Praise Self-worth.
Praise defiance and compliance
Do praise Contradiction
And the great power to self destruct.

Trace

Fade into the background
Dissolve in air
Merge with the scenery
I scatter in space
Like I’m not even there

I start with a smile
Or a catchy phrase
Then become what I am
I become a phase
A color that pales
A breath you soon exhale
You don’t see me no more
But I assure you
I am there

big deal alright

So yeah… in case anyone who goes by my blog still doesn’t know who I am…

My name is Hagar. I will be 24 next October. And I failed to keep my anonymity because I’m pretty much all over the place here!

I’ve been blogging for a little more than 3 years… and I could so easily trace my own development through this period of time… I am not changed… my core and essence are pretty much the same…but I’m definitely growing… and I have no idea where I’m headed… but I’m hoping it would be to a good place… if not, there’s always Death to look up to… with a smile…

To those who already know who I am… umm… yeah… DUUH…

To those who don’t… umm… no big deal… feel free to call me by whatever name you’re comfortable with… names don’t matter much… for all I care you can call me Sawsan or Madiha or Sayed… and I will choose to either answer to that or not…

Humff… like it makes any difference…

I guess I’m just bored!

Have a good day all.

A Frequent Daily Trip

I push the chair, get up, and walk to the ladies room.
I turn the lights on. Lock the door. And face the huge mirror.
I stare….

I breathe. I stare. I reflect.
I talk to imaginary others in the background.
We have ongoing random dialogues that come from nowhere and everywhere
But mostly from within.
I watch my facial expressions as they change accordingly.
I watch how I utter the words, how I spell them out.
My focus shifts between my mouth, my lips, my chin
My eyes, face lines, cheeks, and the nearly nonexistent dimple.
These eyes stare back at me.
Almost blankly.
But not quite.
Puzzlement starts to shoot out.
Asking… inquiring… seeking…
Clear clues or vivid images.
Then.
Unspoken resolutions.
Lacking efficient willpower.
Hopeful, optimistic, yet dubious in nature.
Uncertainty.
Faith: clouded but deeply rooted.
Faith in everything…
Me included.
Mist.

Unaware; I obliviously dwell.
Yet aware enough, I start to conclude the process.
I hastily come up with a final thought.
With which I adjourn my session.
I smile confidently, positively.
She smiles back at me skeptically.
I wink playfully. I stick my tongue out.

I put on a straight face.
I turn to the door, breathe, unlock it and step out.
I walk with absolute poise and purposeful air.
I carry dignity and pride in every step I move forward.
I stop. I pull my chair. I sit.
With a renewed mindset.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I spit my brain out
I cough out my lungs
I throw up my guts
My senses go numb
I hide below the covers
I curl up in bed
I sleep the ailment off
I black out my head

I wake up lightheaded
And stare blankly ahead
With my brain spit out
And my body at rest
I float up high
And through the ceiling I fly
I find a silver crescent
A wire and a mosquito

The Silver crescent shines
With bright white magical light
Descending down and scattering
Spreading heavenly delight
Falling on earthly beings
To either echo or dim
An insect resting on a black wire
Sucks up the light it bathes in

I get my senses back
I float down to my room
I suck my brain back in
And I smile to the gloom
I lay my head back slowly
With my brain fitting in
I take its insides out
And dust off the remains

I get me soap and water
And scrub off the stains
I hold one thought at a time
And rinse it thoroughly through
I put them all back in
Re-arranged and sitting right
I soak my head once more
For a final spell of rain

I put my brain out again
And hang it there to dry
Now as I patiently wait
For my brain to properly air
I whistle some old song
And wink at the silly moon
I slowly prepare myself
To carry my brain back in
All aired out, neat, and clean
And crooked lines replacing the stains.

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