So What If…

The weirdest thoughts come to me while I’m driving. Actually the weirdest thoughts come to me in the car, whether I’m driving or riding with anyone else; they just vary – mood wise – according to where I’m seated.

Recently (umm… well not so recently), I get mental images of car accidents while I’m driving. Not in the scary sense, more in the contemplating sense. I would imagine what exactly would happen, how I would be found, the people who would gather around, the injuries (mine and the others involved), the silence of the moment and the noise afterwards and outside my silent bubble. I see it like in a movie!

Some time ago, a few months back to be precise, I used to imagine myself dieing in one of those. I would take it to the next level and visualize the faces and reactions of my family and friends when they hear about it. But then when it comes to that I feel bad, I feel guilty, and I force myself to think of something less cruel.

These days, the thought that invades my mind when driving is somewhat similar, yet maybe a bit brighter (or not, really depends on how you look at it). I still picture an accident taking place, but with less focus on the accident details and more focus on the aftermath. I am not dead but I’m badly injured. The imagined injuries vary from one day to the next, I think also depending on my mood.

For instance, yesterday it was my legs. Well not exactly my legs; it was my back. I hurt my back real bad in the accident, I got what must be some irreparable spinal cord injury and I could no longer walk. My focus however was not on how bad all of it sounds or how devastated I would be, it was all about how I would deal and what would be the things I miss the most.

The way I saw it, it took me some time but I dealt relatively fine. I was grateful I still had sense in my upper part, I could still write and type and do things with my hands.

I thought about the things I would miss the most, and it’s funny how the first thing that came to mind was driving! I love driving! I mean yes in that case it’s driving that caused all of it, but I would still miss it. So maybe it’s very stressful to drive in Cairo most of the time, but I just love being in control of the car, maneuvering my way and speeding whenever I have the chance. I think it’s the sense of freedom and self-control that come along. I would certainly miss it.

I would also totally miss making all those pointless acrobatic moves – which sometimes come in handy when trying to get in or out of a crowded place. I would miss jumping and goofy-dancing and stretching and reaching out with my feet to pick up tiny things from the floor instead of bending all the way over. I would miss teasingly kicking my friends’ asses. Ohhhh and I would sooo miss driving!

Some other days, I imagine a different kind of injury. I think of how it would be if I lose my sight! I think about that a lot as a matter of fact, even if not through an accident, I live in an occasional fear of losing my sight one day. So maybe I think about it to know how to deal with it, if it ever happens for real.

Well, after adapting to the fact that I can no longer see, I think I would be grateful for other stuff; like my other senses and my ability to move. I would still be able to listen to music and goofily dance around, umm… in a wide space with no objects I could trip on since I can’t really see where I’m going! But coming to think of it, this is even way harder for me than not being able to use my legs. I mean I’m used to “seeing” things my whole life, it would be so hard to totally adapt, and the mere concept of not being able to take care of most things on my own is a nightmare. Let alone the simple things I would awfully miss.

I would miss the colors; the blueness of the sky and the beautiful subtle mixture and blend of shades that is existent everywhere in nature. I would miss appreciating good art and I would miss trying to see the rain as it falls. I would miss the looks on some people’s faces and their smiles. I would miss watching things change from one form to another.

I would miss reading my favorite kinds of books, I could learn Braille but I don’t think I’d find my favorite types of fiction available in Braille. I would miss writing/typing. I thought about this part and figured that maybe I can get someone to write for me, like maybe I’d speak out my thoughts and my sister would note them down or something. But it’s too much trouble. Besides, my hands and mind and tongue work together, I might not be thinking clearly of something but my hands would go ahead and type it anyway. I would miss expressing myself, and I wouldn’t want to exhaust my ability to express myself out loud in form of spoken words cause… well… it’s so freaking boring and talking is such an effort to me anyway.

I think I’m a very visual type of person, so me thinks that being not able to see things around me would sort of dim my inspiration, and with that I would be very very unhappy. Oh and of course, I would not be able to drive! Okay now I’m scared. The last thing I want would be to be trapped in a blank whitish colorless world. But should it ever happen, I will have to learn to adjust and I will still find ways to be grateful.

Of all the other things that could happen, of all the other things I could lose, these are the ones that I imagine happening the most, I have no explanation for it.

Oh God! Okay I did NOT have an accident, I am perfectly okay, I can see, I can move, I can do all of the things I previously mentioned, and I am truly grateful for all the things I’m blessed with. May God help those in need and may they be blessed with patience and good will.

Explore posts in the same categories: Musings, Random

Tags: Driving, Freak, Takes, Twisted

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