bas ba2a…
I do NOT act, I react
Every thing I do or feel is a reaction to something else or someone else’s doing or feeling
Get that cause I mean it
Yes, I am a passive being
I don’t initiate, even when it looks like it, know that I react on signals I received before I do the supposed act of initiation
My “actions” do not come out of the blue, they have reasons
Everything I do or feel has basis, I almost never lay the foundation, I only build upon it
I start taking control once I start building, laying one brick after the other, but I never lay the first brick, it’s never my decision
And that is how everything in my life is done
Sad I know, Call it whatever ba2a that’s who I am
So, when you find me “acting” in a certain way, know that I have good solid reasons for it
When you don’t like the way I treat you, know that you had it coming and that I’m actually doing the best I could, even if it looks otherwise
Funny how everyone could say the same thing, but I mean every word, I gave this much reasoning before I say it or type it, and I mean it
When I start being rude or offensive for no reason, oh believe me I have my reasons
The ONLY person I unfortunately sometimes lose my temper to for no justifiable reason is XXXXX but that’s a whole other story, other than that… nothing I do is unjustifiable
Even the way I feel comes as a reaction – when it comes to strong feelings and not shallow ones, if I feel you love me I would love you, if I feel you hate me I would hate you, if you can’t tolerate me I would not tolerate it and would take my distance, basic instincts really
This is how it freakin works with me alright
So KNOW THIS: my actions and feelings for you (or the lack of them sometimes) are based on YOUR actions and feelings… so before you start pointing fingers and blaming me for whatever shit, before you get all hurt and start blurting out heartbreaking crap (no mockery, they are heartbreaking and they make me feel like trash which of course is one of the reasons you might be saying them), just think for a minute, ONE GODDAMN minute, think “hmm… what did I do to make her all “nasty”?” PLEAAAASE just consider the possibility that you had to help! I do! I know I “react” most of my freaking life but I still stop and wonder “what makes whoever acts in a certain way?”
And this is not a statement to try and prove that I’m a good person, hell I know I SUCK! I know I’m not half as good as some people think I am, I know I can be really selfish and cruel, I know I’m snobbish and I think highly of myself more than I really should. I am not trying to prove anything, I am not excusing myself from “the blame”, I’m just sharing it because that’s the fair thing to do! Basically I’m just pissed and I need you to understand how my screwed up mind works and why I do what I do when I do it!
You know what; I hate myself even more for making this go public, I hope that makes you happy!
Tags: aches, Angry, Facts, whatever
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